Dearest Reader,

HELP! SOS! Over here! I am in bad need of help and short of time before another nose picking, nail-biting, germ-infested fourth grader tries to touch my delicate fur. I’m stranded in Lucy’s backpack in some school filled with a bunch of stinky tween humans, and I need to get out of here!

Not just out of this “school” but out of this place altogether. My four humans, Lucy, Marina, and their parents moved to this town called “Normal” (I kid you not) for some weird reason; and they didn’t even ask MY opinion about it! Unbelievable. I can’t see any good reason to leave the beautiful, cozy mountains of my old Virginia home to somewhere flatter than a Persian’s face with corn everywhere that makes me sneeze! Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system. Let me tell you, dear reader, on how I got here.

This morning I woke up to the same nightmare as the day before: in some dark corner nestled inside our new dump of a house I’m supposed to spend my life in. Haha. No. Freaking. Way. Anyway, my treasured but mostly ignorant and clueless humans, Lucy and Marina, were starting their first day of “school.”

I wanted to know what this “school” place was. I am definitely not at fault here. What if they died?! Who will give me tummy rubs? That was a risk I was not willing to take. So I did what any sensible feline would do and jumped in Lucy’s backpack to guard her from whatever gross monsters await to devour her in this strange new place.

What happened is what I least expected. No four thousand-toothed pile of disgusting jumped out of a bush to devour my humans. We walked in absolute safety and the backpack was hung up on the back of a chair. That’s it and where I sit.

But, thankfully through a slightly open zipper, I got a glimpse of the horrors of “school.” The people who live in this “school” are frankly quite disgusting. And hearing that from someone who licks his butt may seem silly, but I wrote this for help, not to be judged.

And now, here I sit. Bored out of my mind — thinking about mice and tuna only can occupy your mind for so long. Wait! What was that?! Is that the sound of a zipper? I think someone’s about to discover me. YIKES! If you know where Earhart Elementary is please send help!

Yours in tater tots,
Hubble